I'm scared a bit.

RDS: Depression is something that I have been dealing with for a LONG time... it's hard to describe to someone if you aren't ready to "Open up"... but the fact that you've managed to set the appointment UP is a MONSTROUS step... You KNOW THAT RIGHT??? (Of course the NEXT monstrous step is getting to the OFFICE... GOING IN.... SITTING DOWN and TALKING) *GRIN*

I've been dealing with this for SOOO long... but opposed to other's of my friend I've never had much problem talking about what's wrong... but I have had a couple of friends of mine actually ASK about my counseling sessions...

(I think the fact that I am 6'4 and bald with a goatee and am comfortable asking for help tends to HELP) And I have people look at me and say "Well... if HE can do it... maybe it's NOT such a sign of "Weakness"!!!"

Know that there ARE those out there that are aware of what you are going through... and you need to also know that NO MATTER WHAT you tell that cousellor... he/she is BOUND BY LAW to not reveal it to ANYONE.... It's between you and them!!!

GOOD LUCK BROTHER!!! And when you're done at the session you can go home and tell Sally and Harry how things went... *GRIN*

Good LUCK!

I have a choice here to read what you have written and to move on or post a response. I am making that distinction so you will understand there is no need/reason for me or anyone else to pause to respond if we are not sincere in what we have to say. I don't know you from Adam, and I am responding solely from what you wrote here. There are no easy or pat answers and I would not suggest that I could possibly know what you are going through. What I can say in all honesty is that I care. I care that you and all your loved ones be healthy and get through this block. I respect that it looks insurmountable presently, but please remember your sight is tainted because you are in the middle of the issues(s). Nothing you said is horrific and not understandable. You are not an alien and what you are experiencing is common both as life experiences around you and to how those experiences are making you feel. In all that you have said, the mere fact that you have an appointment really sums it up for me. It speaks VOLUMES about you that you are taking this step today. Ironically, it shows the very thing you think you have lost is actually most powerful within you: STRENGTH! Go to the meeting. Know this person is there to SERVE YOU. As for the rest, it will come as it needs to but judging by what you said here, you are not only ready, but have a clear picture as to where you need to begin.

My beliefs include prayer, so I hope I do not offend you by saying I will be praying for you, my friend.

I have to be completely honest with him

Donald - Good Luck!

You must be "Honest" with yourself first, before you can be truly honest to anyone else.

Raging personal battles with demons is always hard, especially when you must fight them alone. But as one battles depression, bipolar, or the like we always have to keep in mind one thing. We are not alone. Even if everyone's experiences and expectations are unique in of itself there are other people who are going through similar situations.

Good Luck.

You are real, you are strong, you didn't have a medical degree. how could you know how to live with a bipolar person if you didn't have all the information? My ex daughter in law- same thing- she led us a merry chase for a lot of years. I still do not understand how my son got through it and survived more or less intact. She took pieces out of everyone that dealt with her because she would take meds and then go off and then back on and then off. Since then I've met several that are afflicted with bipolar. Sometimes, I've gotten the feeling that basically they are selfish because they go on and off the meds, full knowing that off the meds they are out of control. My ex-daughter in law told me once it was a high that was better than drugs or alcohol.

Living with someone that is so selfish they would inflict hurt and pain on the people that love them, must be a lack of the ability to love others on their part. Once we understood that it was a bit easier to deal with the situation. We know now, that she was only thinking of herself and no one else basically- not her children and not her husband, no one in the family. The children and he are still muddling through and going on, trying to sort out how to deal with the past and live in the now. They're doing better but it's not an easy road especially for the children since they have friends that had a "normal" mother and didn't have to deal with the craziness. The comparison they have found made one ask me, "why me? why did my mom have to be so nuts?" A hard question to answer. She still to this day swings between taking meds and not taking. It has to be hurting her in the long run.

You tried that is more than most people would have done. That's what I told my son. You tried. It just wasn't a situation that would work out because she didn't want it enough to be better .

.....How can I tell that to someone? How can I tell a stranger that I failed? How can I tell a stranger about the night after night of playing Yahtzee when she was manic (and trying to work at the same time) and then watching her sleep for literally days at a time?.....

RDS. How, you ask?

You just did. If you can be with your therapist as open, raw, and honest like you just are, right now, with this post. Your therapy will begin to work it's incredible way of giving you the tools you'll need to heal.

I am not sure how or if you are even close with anyone here on the Vine in real life, but if you aren't....then we are strangers. And you just proved and answered your own questions about being able to. Scared is good because in therapy you have to allow vulnerability. Scared means you're feeling something and it will in time begin to leave you. I know all this sounds cliche, but trust me. I'm a tough nut when it comes to not sharing anything beneath the surface, that soft-white underbelly I work so hard to protect.

You can. You did. You will.

Good luck today and in the following weeks. It's a journey. And trust me, a good therapist is one that gets you to talk without even realizing it and when you do, it's called a breakthrough, and those moments are like no other.

One day. One step. One layer at a time.

Good vibes sent your way.

You have already shown us that you ARE brave and strong, and I join with everyone here wishing you good luck today. Let the healing begin.

I believe there is a lot of depression in our society. Some of it is about issues for sure but, a lot of it is about imbalance in the brain and what might be causing it. I happen to believe that proper nutrition plays an even bigger role in the imbalance of the brain than is recognized. There is nothing in the drug store that will really change this.

Unless you buy and eat high end fresh food you are not getting good nutrition. Your brain cannot function properly if you do not eat well and supply your body with the nutrients that will enable your brain to function properly.

The more fast food and both so call natural and artificial sweeteners and refined carbohydrates are in your diet the more your system is going to start malfunctioning.

I feel sorry for any one who has mental illness and the people who deal with them. It is not easy to deal with. I think doctors are only interested in pushing meds in relation to mental illness.

I feel so sorry for humanity.

Good luck RDS....I know it's hard to open up, but it's a necessary part of healing. I'm a huge believer in being open about your feelings, your problems and asking for help when you need it. You gotta try! And if it doesn't work, you wait a while, muster your courage, and try again. It's never too late and it's worth the effort.

Good luck, man.

Try not to worry about it.

Nice piece. Break a leg, man!

Our hearts are with you, RDS.

You are going to have a hard time of it.

Please don't beat yourself up too much, though. We have all done things that haunt us.

Getting help seems like a wise choice (a choice that more of us should be brave enough to make).

Good luck, my friend!

RDS,

We have been where you are, you have been where we are, it is a hard road with many twists and turns. You are never alone when you travel this road and we appreciate your company.

We fight alongside you and hope you can keep up the fight with us.

I have been in one of my black moods for days but reading your article today has helped me to fight back, thanks a lot.

Think of it like confession only with the therapist you can swear, Just not the lords name mind you :)!

RDS -- what you wrote made me cry a little and think back. My mom was undiagnosed bipolar for 15 years, and it was only much later that I understood the disease model of it. But even as a an adult child I went for counseling because of the same feelings of failure, conflict and fear you expressed.

Hang in there, be honest and continue healing. Eventually your kids will understand the whats and whys of everything that went down. You cannot save others -- you must save yourself, and then be the best you can be for others.

Thinking about you and yours alot now, and throwing allotta love your way - contact/email me if you just wanna vent.

You've done good,Donald.

How do I know? For you profess love. Despite the sickness...we love those who are sick.

I know, you know, "God" knows that you did the best you could with what you had...and that is the miracle. You are the miracle.

Now watch and be aware of the miracle as it is revealed to you...for love is courage and it conquers all.

Peace be with you,friend. My peace I give you.

You are not alone my friend. I am 52. I spent 23 years being married to a woman I was not in love with. She had only one mental problem:FOOD!! She bulked up to almost 300 hundred pounds at 5'4" tall. She knew I was not attracted to large women , but stuffed herself nonetheless. We have two grown daughters and they were the reason that I stayed married to her as long as I did. Many nights I sat thinking about killing myself in order to escape my unhappiness and the only thing that kept me from taking those sleeping pills was the thought of my young girls crying at my funeral. I left the family in '03 after many years of suffering and unhappiness. My daughters are adults and they do not speak to me. My ex made sure of that. I have since found and married a wonderful woman with almost the same exact background as I. As for you, Mr. Snyder, you must let go of the guilt. There are forces in life that we cannot control no matter how hard we try. Stop beating yourself to death. Tell the therapist everything and clear your conscience. Find the inner peace that you need. AS for your children: Time will heal most wounds and if you are sincere and approach them, they may forgive you. I hope and wish for the same. How many of you out there reading this have had similar stories? Bring them to light to show our comrade that he does not walk alone. Peace.

Hey man, I don't know you personally, but I admire and appreciate your contribution to the vine. I don't have any helpful bits of advice or any "I've been there" moments to relate. Still, I hope you understand that I sincerely hope the best for you. I cannot offer you peace of mind, but I hope you find it, friend.

It must have taken a great deal of strength and courage to share this story. You just started the process of healing and acceptance, digging deep, bringing it up and out. And in the end, I hope you see that 'you' aren't the one that failed. You reacted to circumstance the best you could at the time, isn't that all any of us can do? Perpetual extremes, especially if anger and/or violence is involved, is unmanagable without guidance, and we all aren't prepared to give it - yes, some are. We make mistakes, and not intentionally; maybe things could have been handled differently - but you did what 'you' had to do to cope and survive, and as I said once before, you may have saved the relationship with your son with the decisions you made at the time. IMHO. -- I salute you, RDS, for the ability to be 'honest.' ...Best of luck with your appt. today.

Some of the most difficult things in life provide the biggest lessons, and and make us stronger. Good luck to you.

Don,

Posting your personal confession on NV is a start. It shows your are almost ready to confront that which troubles you and has for years. I quit participating on NV some time back but your post is worth showing support for. In my very humble opinion and with complete respect I suggest: 1. Quit beating your self up. If you did all you could do then you did your best. A person can only give their best and no more. If you didn't then don't beat yourself up.. what done is done. You can't put the bullet back in the gun. 2. Go see someone, a shrink if you wish but it seems that your not crazy, I think you are adopting total responsibility (guilt) for some things you had no control over throughoutyour life. 3. A good friend face to face is as good as a shrink. If you don't have one God is always willing to listen and help. If you don't believe in God it doesn't matter, he believes in you.

I don't know you from Adam but I do wish you well. Cowboy up and move forward. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step"... I believe you just made that step.

Good Luck

Bud

I see a therapist. It's not as bad as some people think it is or make it out to be.

RDS - You are strong and you will do what it takes to get even stronger, or you never would have reached out! Let me tell you how special you are - there are many posters here - all giving you encouragement and love - who have "fought" with and amongst each other on various topics (and will continue to I'm sure), but you found the one thing to unite us - COMPASSION! You are truly inspiring! :-)